2024

Wasn't January like yesterday?

My wrapped is a survival journal because that's all I did this year. Oh, and discover I'm obsessed with parfait.

The first time I truly got anxious, I cried. I was waiting for the results of an exam that will determine the rest of my life. I wish I was exaggerating when I say it will determine the rest of my life. This happened in January and I barely had any friends. I wasn't a loner girl or anything, I just didn't know how to love people. I always thought anxiety and panic attacks were exaggerated but I realized they're barely portrayed as they truly are. It was dark, and cold and hot and my heart became so heavy, all I had to do was cry. I wished I could hold my heart in my hand and tell it that everything will be okay, even if it meant lying. 2023, I failed over and over and over again and the thought of failing yet again in 2024 was unbearable. I cried myself to sleep. That was the first time I survived.

I have avoidant attachment and while it's commonly for people who can't commit to relationships, it's also for people who can't commit to friendships. Started the year with barely any friends and what made things worse was how people assumed I had many friends, many people who'd always “have my back”. I always thought of myself as being too needy. I mean, why would I call someone by 12am and tell them that I'm literally dying and I don't know why? I didn't ask to end the year with the best people in the world. People who'd send me TikToks of Bridgerton edits(I'm OBSESSED with Bridgerton), novels they know I'd love, invite me to book fairs, cry on the phone with me, listen to my 8 minute voicenotes of how I made eye contact with the boy I liked, who understood that my words often come out as harsh and stay regardless, who's call me out on my excesses and tell me the hard truth I needed to hear, who's run all the way to my church for my birthday. If anything, I am GRATEFUL for the people in my life today. I overcame my avoidant attachment and allowed myself to love people. That was the second time I survived.

I forgave this year and while that was the hardest thing I had to this year, I'm happy. I gave so much of my heart last year until I ran out, held on to hurt and hated people. Started the year a melancholic and ending the year a happier melancholic- I haven't quite gotten the hang of my crashouts. I'm not recoiling into my shell at the first light of love, my heart's not heavy, I'm neither half empty nor half full, I'm happy. I truly love and for the first time in two years, my countenance is actually in sync with my heart. That was the third time I survived.

I liked a boy this year. It was hard, it was good, it was painful, it was dramatic and I have letters in my notepad. While I'm no Lara Jean, it was my therapy before I came clean to my friends. I wrote to him, in my notepad, on many nights and days it rained and days we made eye contact and our brushed hands.

If I were to tell the truth, it will be along the lines of, you were supposed to be my friend and nothing more. You were never supposed to become my favorite person. Your messages were never meant to make me feel like the main character in a 90's romcom. I was never supposed to know when you're near by your cologne. I was never supposed to walk into a room and immediately look for you. I was a melancholic and you are a bundle of joy, two worlds that were never meant to collide. If you asked me of the world, I'd go through it's ends and give it to you. You were supposed to be a lousy Instagram request, a person I'd soon forget never someone I'd etch his name in my heart. 

A, if you ever read this, your flaws are your best features because I could always count on the fact that I can always embarrass myself and you'd forget the next day and I can be that cool girl again. 

I hope notepads never have the ability to speak. Mine would ask me, “why not just tell him?” Once again, I'm definitely no Lara Jean but letters that will never get out, admiring from afar and a yearn that will nearly drive you to madness is more me. That was the fourth time I survived.

Grateful for thousands but more importantly I'm grateful for He who forgave me countless times. I'm a sinner and He's my savior. What a blessing it is to be alive on December 31,2024 and all because He never used my excesses and shortcomings as a yardstick to judge me. Thank you, Yawheh.

Lest I forget, I'd deleted four drafts two months ago and almost quit. For some reason, I found my words again or maybe they found me. I'll never forget the girl who'd read my work and texted me. You made me the happiest that day. Thank you, K.

2025, be nice.♥️